Howdie, everyone! How y’all doing? I’m great! I’m having a ball… Something related to my himen. Who knew it was so important to have a party about it. Ah, and ’bout purity of mind, body and soul. Me and my daddy, we had a good ol’ talk ’bout what I’m gonna do with my life. And what I ain’t gonna do with it…

I ain’t gonna throw my brilliant future of a chaste woman worthy of the love of a good man out the window, for a moment of trouble. My daddy loves me so and he sure knows how to show it. Look at all these balloons! They look exactly like rubbers candy. Colorful candy for his little girl. He don’t want no sleezy low life piece of white trash to sweep me of my feet and steal the most important thing that I have: my virginity!

Even though you know I ain’t from Virginia… I’m from Colorado! We have a good life here, me and my daddy. Momma tells him once in a while that he’s too protective of me, but he don’t listen. He just listens to God and his shotgun. I have to get ready for the ball. I have to dress-up in a white dress. Doncha just love’em white dresses?

He will swear on God Almighty to protect me head to toe until my due date. And I have to pledge in front of him, my daddy, that I shall not lose my virginity to my neighbour, my classmate, my friend, the cute guy from the grocery store or the paper boy.

But can’t I loosen it up just a little bit?