Monthly Archives: November 2015

Would you be so kind as to shut your pie hole madame?

Would you be so kind as to shut your pie hole madame?

Remembrance Sunday on Stansted Airport. Cozy little airport with calm and humorous staff. Lots of Polish people roaming around. An advanced system of do-it-yourself: check-in, luggage tagging, boarding pass scanning. A very well organised pre-departure free-zone.

At 11 o’clock we were requested to hold 2 minutes of silence together with everyone for the soldiers who gave their lives in the First World War. And so we did. At least some of us…

Boarding time! Gate 55. Slight change of plan: “Please re-group at gate 54!”. Everyone starts running for their lives as if gate 54 were not right next to gate 55. Two queues: one priority, one non-priority.

After boarding several non-priority people who just decided to join the priority queue because they saw that it goes faster, one of the stewardesses inflicts verbally the following announcement:

“There are 2 queues, as written on the panels in front of you. If you do not have priority boarding listed on your boarding pass please step to the non-priority queue right away!”

Chaos! Another re-grouping maneuver. We board the aircraft. I find my seat and settle in. Buckle up my seat-belt and wait for everyone to join so we can take off. In the background I hear someone in their mother tongue saying “Priority boarding my ass! They let you board the plane first so you can wait longer for the others to come! What a pile of horse shit!”.

People are still moving back and forth. It’s passed take-off time. The stewardesses are trying to get everyone to sit down at once so we can leave Stansted. All of the sudden a middle-aged lady starts shouting at the top of her lungs:

“Costin, Costiin! She forgot he backpack in the airport in the boarding area! The one where she had the cellphone, tablet and the rest of her things! Go talk to the cabin attendant now!”

5 minutes later a slender looking girl walks passed me with a backpack. Probably the lost one recovered. I am going through old photos in my storage trying to clean up and make some space for new ones. Little did I know that a circus performance was brewing right behind me.

In 3-2-1!

“I forgot my bag with my boots! The new ones I have just bought from London! I don’t have it!

I must have left it in the cab…

Or in the hotel room…

Or somewhere else…

Why are you sitting there without saying anything? Do you find it amusing? I bet you do! I always have to take care of everyone! That’s why I lost my boots! Because I had to carry all the luggage including your shit!

This always happens to me. When we were in Santorini I also lost something. I wish I had lost your bags!

Maybe I can throw them out the window right now so you have a justified reason to smirk at me. Maybe I can throw you out the window as well…

I have to do everything by myself…

I really hope they are at the hotel…

My boots!

My lovely new boots…”

The monologue went on… and on… and on… I decided to put on my headset and listen to some Urma and fade away the high pitch of my bully of a travel companion and her long lost boots.

I slept for about 2 hours. When I woke up and stood up to mend a bit my sore back I slightly turned my head towards “the crime scene”. Oddly enough her boyfriend was still alive after hearing all she had to say.

His ears were not bleeding at all. He’s probably on downers or something. He looked like a little nerdy mouse with no voice or self-esteem for that matter. Hiding in his chair and waiting for “mommy to stop being angry at him”. She looked vial: between her light blonde hair, fur coat and glossed lips words continued to come out of her mouth like shit from an overloaded crapper.

A really serious case of verbal diarrhea! She paused a bit to take in some air and a sip of Pepsi from her mini can when something absolutely magnificent occurred: the almighty “I’m always right, I always have to do everything, I’m the smartest in the bunch” hyper estrogenic creature dropped her half-full Pepsi can on the floor staining in the process the guy on her left.

He looked at her as if he had already started planning how to kill her, but holding back his words. She started laughing nervously and said:

“I’m so sorry, but you know the space is tight, these things happen!”

Hearing once again the smugness and ignorance of her never-ending monologue, the guy replied:

“You’re sorry? Really?! So you drop Pepsi on me, stain my yellow jacket and you’re sorry?!”

With a scared animal glance in her eyes the blonde shut up for the first time in ages. She could feel his wrath and turned her head towards her boyfriend who she had been emasculating for the past 2 hours for help. The quirky mouse said something on a subliminal tone of voice that you could hardly distinguish that somebody was actually talking.

The “stained guy” barked back:

“Say what? You’d better shut up!”

And so they did. Both of them snuggling next to the window. I really wanted to congratulate the guy for being man enough to make that lady shut her pie hole.

In the airport’s waiting area there was a man with a hoody that said “All monsters are human!”. I couldn’t agree more!

So, using my newly acquired British politeness I would like to ask the lady to please zip her mouth for the time being and retract her head from between her but cheeks. That way fresh air will be made available for the neurons and new ideas might ignite.

We have reached our destination, Bucharest. The local time is 14:40 and here are 15 degrees Celsius with sunny weather. We hope you have enjoyed flying with Ryanair and wish you a pleasant afternoon!